GenderWork

 

How to survive the holidays if you are transgender!

*Loosely adapted from Mariana Caplan's book, When Holidays are Hell...! A Guide to Surviving Family Gatherings
Published by Hohm Press

 

 

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

If you are transgender...

1. Don't assume you know how somebody will react to news of your transition or "new" gender identity/presentation - you may be surprised.

2. Realize that your family's reaction to you may not be because you are trans. The hectic holiday pace may cause family members to act differently than they would under less stressful conditions.

3. Remember that "coming out" is a continuous process. You may have to "come out" many times.

4. Don't wait for your family's attitude to change to have a special holiday.

5. Recognize that your family needs time to acknowledge and accept your new gender presentation. It probably took you some time to come to terms with your gender identity so your family needs some time too. However don't hesitate to politely correct anyone who slips on pronouns/name. Don't be angry but be firm and confident in yourself. If you love yourself and have confidence in yourself, eventually others will see that and follow your lead.

6. Let your family's judgments be theirs to work on. If you are in a room full of 20 people you will have 20 different opinions of you, but none of them are you. Those opinions of you are just thoughts that reside in the minds of others, they are not reality. Do not be overly concerned with how you are perceived by everyone. Usually people are too busy worrying about themselves.

7. Create your own holiday gathering with friends and loved ones, if it is too difficult to be with your family, or in addition to seeing family.

BEFORE THE VISIT...
1. Make a decision about being "out" (or not) to each family member before you visit.

2. Decide how you will react if someone slips on the name or pronouns. Thinking about this ahead of time can help you avoid snapping angrily at someone.

3. Have alternate plans if the situation becomes difficult at home.

4. If you do plan to "come out" to your family over the holidays, set up a network beforehand of people you can contact for support. This could be supportive family, friends, a therapist, etc.

DURING THE VISIT...
1. Focus on common interests.

2. Relax. Be yourself. Remember to affirm yourself.

3. Be wary of the possible desire to shock your family.

4. Don't feel obligated to answer probing/disrespectful questions about your transness. (e.g. details about your body or sexuality, etc.) You are there to enjoy the holidays not turn them into expert-trans-allies.

5. Realize that you don't need your family's approval to be who you are.

6. Connect with your support network - by phone or in person - especially those who understand what you are going through and will affirm you along the way.